Moms and Mental Health!!

My mom was my best friend!!

I know that there are a lot of parents who don’t ascribe to the best friend idea with their children.  As a matter of fact, in many homes we hear  “I am not not one of your little friends!”  LOL.

I’m not in denial about her steady hand of discipline.  She was all of that.  In our home though, as my mom mothered us we saw love at its best - patience, kindness, generosity, humility, confidence, humor, not easily provoked, always thought of others, loved truth, bore all things, believed in all things about us, hoped with us and was a mighty endurer.  As my brother Stephen and I learned about love…..and became adults…..she became our “bestest" friend.

I had the privilege of caring for her during her dance with endometrial cancer, with her eventually moving into our home.  She’d opted for surgery and a course of natural treatments as part of her care.  Sometime during her rehab, her physician noticed that she was having episodes of anxiety.  They were able to address it, but when she moved in with us, I noticed that she still seemed unsettled.

As we spent more time together, we talked about everything.  Not sure what happened, but one day, as we talked, she broke down and before I knew it, I was cradling her in my arms, rocking and comforting her.  A lot of stuff that she had been carrying came gushing out.  Some of what she said matched memories I had of her……when I knew she was bearing something heavy…..but as a child I didn’t know why or what to do.  When she was calmer, we spoke of her anguish over regrets and choices she’d not made for her own well-being.  I assured her that she had done the best she could and with whatever time she had left, I’d be happy to support her in fulfilling any dreams.  We decided to watch “Diary of a Mad Black Woman” together.  And, of coourse, you know we were both sobbing when that was over. FINALLY, she had let it go……..

I continued to watch her struggle…..not so much with the painful cancer……but with finding peace for her spirit and rest for her soul.  This was new territory for her. And, then one day something shifted.  As I walked past her room, she motioned to me and did a thumbs up…..”I’ve got it Donna…..I’m gonna be okay!”  And, from that day, till the day she died, she was a different woman.

My mom grew up during an era when speaking about what was bothering you or had happened to you or what was weighing you down, was not part of the equation or normal conversation.  If you got married and/or had children and were committed to doing what was best for them…..you sacrificed your self and did for your family.  And, I am positive that there were millions of women like mommy walking around heavy and tired and hurt and broken, doing the best they could until they didn’t have to anymore.

What I discovered as I cared for mommy was this.  All of the things she poured into my brother and me……confidence, curiosity, joy, respect, faithfulness, godliness, generosity, how to navigate your way through life, the value of planning…….were things that I now realize she was making sure we had.  Partly because we needed them for life…..but also because she’d missed some of them herself and she was determined to make sure we had them.  That’s what mommas do.  And, the pouring continued up until the day she died. 

Her last act of unselfishness was to wait to die until my husband arrived, so I wouldn’t be alone.  She wasn’t feeling well on Friday night so I contacted her doctor who said based on what I described, it wouldn’t be long.  She kept asking for my husband who was traveling and when he got in, she drifted peacefully off to sleep.  Saturday our house was filled with visitors.  A cousin drove in from Tennessee.  Others who loved her stopped by to see her.  Near the end of the day however, she described having trouble breathing.  A nurse friend who was visiting talked her through it, discovering that she and her doctor had spoken and he’d told her what it would be like in the end.  I rushed to the store to get a mortar and pestle to prepare meds for her to swallow in food……against her wishes.

On Sunday morning when I went i her room, I knew it was the last day for me and my best friend.  I thought I was gonna lose my mind!!!  Clearly, death had entered the room and she was drifting away.  I asked her if she knew it…she said yes.  I asked if she had waited till Eddie got home so I wouldn’t be alone…she said yes.  I asked if she knew that I was supposed to be taking care of her…..she said no.  She was to take care of me till she died.  She passed about 4 hours later.  I climbed in the bed and lay with her body until they came to get her.  My husband carried her down to the waiting funeral home professionals.  I thanked God that He had given me the best friend EVER!!!!  And, I was so grateful for how our final days together helped me to focus on my own mental and emotional health.

Recently, one of my cousins and I were talking about her daughter/my niece and the way she has chosen to live her life.  She’s a millennial, self-employed, married, mom, friend, active in the community and always taking some time for self-care.  My cousin asked her how she did it.  How she could go on vacation with her friends and leave the kids at home.  She said she had to so she could be healthy herself and for those she loved.  She asked my cousin why she hadn’t.  And honestly, we both agreed that we thought our purpose in life was to put on hold everything for ourselves until we were done raising our children……and now we see the futility in that.

May is Mental Health Awareness Month.

Mothers everywhere are struggling with various levels of mental and emotional exhaustion.  It doesn’t have to be that way.  As I held my mom through those last days of her life, she taught me that self-care is important;  she taught me that you shouldn’t have regrets at the end; she taught me to love my neighbor/family/loved ones AS I Love MYSELF; she taught me that giving myself grace is probably one of the greatest gifts of self-love and a blessing for my mental and emotional health.   

This Mother’s Day,  I’m challenging you to take a look at your life…..no regrets allowed…..only plans for the future and the way you want it to be.  Face your truth.  Learn the Lessons.  Make some Different Choices.  Take care of your Mental and Emotional Health.  And, show your children how it’s done.  They need to know.

-Get you a Best Friend.  One who pours into you and puts you in check when you need it.

-Have a Posse that you can trust and cry laughing with.

-Stop trying to be Jesus.  He has already sacrificed His life for errbody!!!

-If you are at a place where you need some real mental help…..find a professional today…..Psychiatrist, Psychologist, Therapist.  They can guide you on your Journey to Better Health.  It has made a difference for me.

-Incorporate Healthy Living into your Daily Life

-Eat a Whole Foods, Plant Based Diet which reduces depression and anxiety, improves memory, is anti-inflammatory, regulates neurotransmitters, enhances mood and helps manage weight.

-Plan Time to Exercise every day, if only for 30 minutes.  It improves neurotransmitters that regulate depression like behaviors, reduces negative effects of stress, improves sleep and helps with other mental health conditions.  Exercising in the sun literally impacts our circadian rhythm which helps moderate everything. My favorite self-care spot is the beach.

-Get Regular Sleep as it energizes cells, Increases space between brain cells to allow fluid to flow and clear out toxins and restores the body for the next days adventures.  Avoid caffeine and tobacco and alcohol as they deeply impact quality of sleep.

-Minimize Stress as chronic stress leads to inflammation and increases your risk for disease and depression.  Exercise, meditation, worship and being flexible all help.  As does THERAPY.

-Rest in Jesus.

-He is touched with the feeling of our infirmities.

-He knows the plans He has for you.

-His yoke is easy and His burden is light.

-He who has begun a good work in you will be faithful to complete it.

-He wants to transform your mind and create within you a new heart.

-His presence is full of Joy and Peace.

-He is the one who will strengthen you……to do all things that He has commanded you to do.

Wish you were here mommy.

Thanks for those final lessons that you poured into me.

Can’t wait to see you again Best Friend!!

Happy Mother’s Day Yawl!!

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