Celebrating Black Love!! — Lifestyle Therapeutix

We’re celebrating Black Love this week.

It’s Our Anniversary!!

Eddie Goodman and I married 38 years ago, on July 15, 1984, in a ceremony filled with love and family at the church I grew up in in Huntsville, Alabama.

So, whenever I read about Black families and the failure of Black marriage….I wonder who they are talking about. Both our parents marriages lasted. I’ve got plenty friends who have been married as long or longer than us, and some who have remarried after loss. My bridesmaids and childhood friends and college schoolmates and friendships developed later in life are all long-term lovers in marriage. And, we out here beating the odds. I’m not gonna say it’s been easy. Marriage is work!! We could tell you some stories. But it’s been worth it.

If you look at the pictures from your wedding day, they are filled with smiles and laughter and best wishes and gifts from those who celebrated your love. But, what you don’t see is the “invisible baggage” that each of us were carrying.

It can be really hard, when you wake up the morning after and start your journey and discover how much is packed inside of those bags. Whew, JESUS!! But, it’s not unique to you. It’s a part of all marriages. What you do with it - unpack or keep carrying it around - can determine how sweet the years can be.

I heard recently from my friend and psychotherapist Dr. Beverly Sedlacek that each of us have had experiences growing up that have “bent” us. She actually used a great visual - a pipe cleaner - to make the point. Those "bendings” impact all of our interactions with others, but especially our spouses/life partners. And, sometimes, if you are unaware of it, you will end up taking things personally that have nothing to do with you or your spouse. As a matter of fact, we are often having conversations with someone in our past, when we are interacting with our spouses and they (we) suffer for it. But, it’s the bending. And, it can be straightened out.

It’s been a journey for my man and me. Our families of of origin are filled with challenge. Yet, today we stand thankful and committed to growing old together and making as many memories as we can for the rest of our journey.

How did we do it?

We KNOW that God brought us together in covenant. He is the unseen partner. We decided that on our worst days we would be reminded of that and run to Him. That has been life changing.

We have CHOSEN to seek help. Not from our friends. But from sources that are qualified to help us with the unpacking and refocusing. Sometimes we used books. Sometimes we went to retreats. But, we found our greatest success one-on-one with trained professionals that showed us HOW to heal and work on a healthy relationship together.

We DECIDED to forgive. Nothing like a wall of unforgiveness in the room. Unforgiveness gets you nowhere. And, forgiveness is really needed in a relationship as intimate as marriage.

We LISTENED and LEARNED from our son. Our children know us well. They often call us on stuff that we are in denial about. And, if you’re not willing to learn from them, you can thwart your progress. But, if you’re willing to listen and learn, it changes the family dynamics and empowers your children for their future relationships.

We’ve DISCOVERED Love in all its capacity…….storge, philia, eros and agape. We’ve mourned what we did not have growing up. We’ve embraced that love described in 1 Corinthians 13. We’ve committed all our energy to that kind of love.

We’ve lived through the TESTS of that Love.

And, now we have a better understanding of the vows we took 38 years ago. They’re not just words anymore. Because we’ve lived them.

And, today, I love this Black Man, Edward Titus Goodman, III, more than I ever thought I could.

And, I am just so thankful.

The folk doing the data compilation on Black marriage need to talk to us and our friends. IJS!!!

I KNOW that we and our friends are out here doing the durn thing!!!

Here’s to Black Love……..Happy Anniversary Babe!! It’s Wellness Wednesday…..

I’m Still Shoutin’ Ova Here!!

Donna

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